Underwhelming
by SuperGroverAway
Summary: Once again, the fully grown Pines Twins and their family must rise and meet the paranormal head-on. And with the lives of Mabel's children on the line, this time it's personal...and confusing. Mainly confusing. (Future-Pines)


The stars were aligned properly, all had been properly set up for the grand ritual, and the faithful had gathered in the forest clearing. Anticipation hung thickly in the air. The glorious moment was nearly upon them.

About thirty orange-robed figures stood in the in disciplined formation around a heavy stone slab. Large hoods obscured every single face present, and only their eyes shined briefly in the light of the burning torches. Together they chanted as one reverent mass. As they murmured the ancient chants, all eyes gazed expectantly upon the two offerings that lay face up on the altar.

Surrounded by strange sounds and confusing sights, the baby twins whimpered fearfully. Their whining however was quickly drowned out as the droning of the orange hoods rapidly reached a crescendo, finally coming to an end when one of their number took center stage and silenced them with a wave of his hands.

"Brothers and sisters!" He stretched his arms wide as he thundered. "Our wait is finally coming to an end. After generations of waiting, our patience will be rewarded. Tonight, we gather together here for the beginning of a new era! A glorious era! The paradise on earth that has been foretold! Soon we shall all bask in the welcoming light of our-"

What had been planned to be be a long and epic sermon was suddenly interrupted by a protest from the back of the gathering. "Hey wait...where'd you come from-"

The four newcomers that had arrived minutes before could only blend in with their cheap orange ponchos for so long. As soon as their cover was blown, one of them drew a hatchet from her pocket and beaned the unlucky cult member with the butt of the handle. The loud thwack rang out for all to hear. Another intruder blew two thick handfuls of attack glitter, sending cultists hacking for breath and rubbing furiously at their eyes.

"Go, go, **_GO_**!" Dipper yelled urgently. The intrepid rescuers rushed forward in a headlong charge.

"Hang on, little dudes!" Soos sent worshipers scattering left and right as he barreled along like a human freight train. Mabel was the first to successfully make it to altar. Despite the chaos, the adoring mother still made sure to give her twins a hug and a kiss on the forehead each before she began loading them into her baby sling.

"Those are-" The head orange-robe tried to intervene. She bristled like an angry tigress, and a moment later he had been sent sprawling from a kick square to his gut. But once she had both little ones strapped in and ready to go, he jumped back to his feet and lunged desperately. "You shall not take our-"

"No you don't!" Dipper caught him in a flying tackle. The two grappled ferociously with one another until the cultist found himself pinned to the ground. before he could move another muscle, Mabel already had her trusty grappling hook pointed square in his face.

"Go ahead. Make my day." She skewered him with a frosty stare that lasted for only a moment before she burst out giggling uncontrollably. "I always wanted to say something like that!"

No one could come to the high priest's aid. Soos and Wendy were currently striking the most menacing poses they could for the surrounding crowd. The tubby man raised clenched fists high.

"Nobody better mess!"

"Anyone want some?" Wendy gave her hatchet an intimidating twirl. The wide-eyed looks in the assorted orange-hoods' eyes all replied in a silent resounding no. With their leader captured, they stood down. Collectively they held their breaths and waited.

"W-what do you think you're doing?" The hostage demanded breathlessly.

"You're going to have to answer that first." Dipper hauled him up onto his feet. "What do you think you're doing breaking into the Shack and taking my sister's kids-"

He ripped the hood off and was thrown for a loop by what awaited beneath. The portly man wore a foam novelty hat shaped like a wedge of cheddar. It made for such an underwhelming spectacle that the gang was completely taken off guard.

"...Dude, are you like, going to a football game or something after this?" Soos asked.

"What? How dare you show such disrespect?" He growled.

"We don't even know who you're!" Mabel protested.

"We are the proud and ancient Order of Gruyere, founded centuries back in the mountains of Swiss Alps." He said with no small amount of pride. "We are the faithful devotees of the true and highest power in this world!"

"..._What_ is happening right now?" Wendy passed a bemused glance to the rest of her family. She got nothing more than befuddled looks and shrugs.

"You currently are privileged enough to look about the Chosen! We are the few who recognize the true power and majesty….of cheese!" He boomed. On cue his followers thumped their hands over their chest before breaking out into synchronized chant, complete with hand motions.

"Cheese, cheese, for which we say please, and bend on our knees." They droned together rhythmically before kneeling as one in unified reverence for coagulated milk. The outsiders proceeded to spend the next few seconds gawking dumbly in awkward silence. The absurdity of it all was almost too much to process.

"...What?" Dipper deadpanned..

"Are we in one of those hidden camera shows?" Mabel was stricken with bona-fide uncertainty. She bent over the cult leader and gave him a poke. "Is the camera inside your cheese hat?"

"Don't touch that! It's part of my sacred vestments!" He snapped indignantly. "You're ruining our ceremony! Do you have any idea what you're doing?"

"Hey, you had idea what you've been doing? You jerks kidnapped my babies!" The angry mother delivered a well-deserved kick into his side.

"Because we needed corporeal vessels!" He barely muffled a pained yelp. "It has been written in our holy texts that we select few have passed on for centuries! Once we have recited the ritual prayers, then the spirits of our noble founders, Lord and Lady Lusternberger of Bern, will return and inhabit their new bodies. They will then be reborn in the flesh as King Cheddarax and Queen Parmesana! Together they shall usher in a new era, one of bliss, peace and creamy rich flavor, where man and dairy will live together in an everlasting kingdom of-"

"Okay, hold on here." Dipper cut him off. The young man was struggling to wrap his mind around it all. "Let's get this straight. So you're honestly telling us that you broke into the Shack, took the twins….all because you believe a Swiss guy and his wife will somehow return as cheese gods? Is that seriously what's going on here right now?"

Now that the plan had boiled down to its most basic elements, an embarrassed silence fell upon the gathering. Some cult members passed one another sheepish looks. Others shuffled their feet as they looked to the ground .

"Well…." Their leader squirmed anxiously. "In a way, yes."

Dipper stared slack-jawed among the devoted dairy worshippers. He managed to keep himself together for a grand total of one more second before he completely lost it.

"That...that is literally the dumbest things that I'd ever heard in my entire life!" He involuntarily yelled. "What on earth is WRONG with you people?"

"Well if you want to be so close-minded about it-"

"Cheese gods." Dipper testily repeated. "Cheese. Gods. Cheese Gods. "

"I think you're oversimplifying it a little bit-"

"CHEESE GODS!" He hurled his arms up into the air. The fury surging in his veins was rising with every passing moment. "What else do we need to know? You just told me that ghosts are supposed to come and turn babies into cheese gods!"

"Yeah, this is stupid!" Mabel chimed in.

"I'm all for 'to each their own' and being tolerant and stuff, but this is like, objectively dumb." Soos chimed in.

"Okay, so…." The cowed leader tried putting forth a gentler defense. "Our beliefs are a little at odds with-"

"Nuh-uh." Dipper interrupted. The young man was furious beyond description. "You listen and you listen good. Over the years I have seen a lot of crazy things. Literally, the most insane things that you can think of, and a lot of stuff that you can't even imagine. Monsters, demons, psychopaths, witches, were-everything, mountain-trolls, gnome tribes, fire elementals…"

"And least one warlock!" Mabel added.

"Oooh, almost forgot about Randall." Soos recalled. "Man, what a creep."

"...You know what? You people aren't even the first cult we've dealt with! You're like, the sixth! The tenth, if we're including secret societies!" Dipper ranted on. "But compared to literally all of that, there isn't a single doubt in my mind right now that this is hands-down the stupidest thing that I have had the misfortune to encounter in my whole entire life. This is just...it's so dumb! This is offensively dumb! I...no, you know what? I take it back, because even that feels too generous!"

A shamed silence fell upon the cultists. Some pulled down hoods to hide embarrassed blushes. One eventually conceded, "Well...I mean, the robes might be a little much…."

"It's not like we get together that much…."

"I'm not really that devout." Another meekly piped up in her defense. "It's more of a cultural thing-"

"Are you kidding me? You're still out here in the woods for a cheddar messiah, or whatever! I don't understand how on earth any of you people could agree to be a part of this!" Dipper snapped back so ferociously that several orange-hoods winced. "It's time to face the facts, you're all part of a group that is centered around cheese worship, and that is...it's stupid. It's just so stupid. And you know what? You're done here. Everyone's done now. It's over."

"You mean the ceremony?" One asked.

"No, all of this. I am officially declaring this too stupid to go on any longer." The absolutely livid young man stomped his foot as he made his ruling.

"But-" Another cultist tried to speak up.

"Just stop! Just stop, all right? Stop. There is literally nothing you can say to make it better. You're only embarrassing yourselves more with single second that you continue to take part in any of this. Stop it."

"We were only-" Another one piped up softly.

"Please, just STOP." He wearily shook his head. "You're only embarrassing yourselves even further."

It had been a spectacularly brutal dressing down. Humbled down to their very cores, the cultists awkwardly milled around before the started slinking off like a flock of lambs in ones and twos. There were a few murmured apologies, and their leader even dug out a handful of crumpled bills from his waller.

"For your troubles. Uh, sorry." He muttered, making sure to avoiding eye contact as he handed the cash to Mabel. He then hiked up his cheddar-orange robe and scurried away, leaving the reunited family in peace.

"...Weird." Mabel remarked.

"Are you okay?" Wendy couldn't recall the last time she had seen her husband so worked up. She was frankly impressed as she grabbed hold of one of his quivering noodle-arms. Dude, look at you. You're shaking."

"I'm….I'm just so mad right now." He buried his face in his hands. "So mad."

"I've literally never seen you this angry before." She admitted with an amused smile.

"I've never felt this angry before." He groaned. "This whole thing was so pointless. Just so very, very, infuriatingly pointless."

"Yeah, every time I come up here I feel better about moving out." She nodded apologetically to their friend. "No offense, Soos."

"Hey, none taken." He chuckled. "Those guys were totally nutso bonkers, amiright?"

After several deep composing breaths, Dipper remembered what had brought them out here to this strange gathering in the very first place. "Are the kids okay?"

"Yeah, they're good! Wait, let me double-check." Mabel tickled each infant under the chin, getting a squeaky laugh out of each one. A toothy smile swept across the mother's face. "Yup, they're A-OK! Thanks, family!"

Taking care not to accidentally squish either infant, she gave her brother a bruising one-armed hug around the neck. "Special props to Uncle Dippingsauce for showing those crazies who's who! Awesome job, bro-bro!"

"No problem. Just glad that they're…." Dipper of course was just as relieved as anyone. Unfortunately, his anger still lingered with such a fierce vengeance that he was unable to think of another else for more than four seconds. He rumbled out a weary sigh to end all weary sighs. "Cheddar king….I don't even know where to…."

"Dude," Wendy laughed. "Chill."

"Yeah, c'mon! Tonight was Pines one, psychos nothing! Time to go home and celebrate!" Mabel handed out flashlights and enthusiastically took the lead. "C'mon!"

"I swear, I'm going to be stewing on this all week." Her brother grumbled as he trudged along. His wife slung a sympathetic arm around his shoulders and planted a quick kiss on the cheek..

"Let it go." She chuckled.

"Waaaaay easier said than done…."

Despite the trauma she endured earlier in the evening, Mabel had already made one of her famed speedy recoveries. The triumphant mother happily sang to her children while she trotted along.

"Together again...gee, it's good to be together again…I just can't imagine that you ever been gone…." She paused mid-song when inspiration struck. "Oooh! Who's up for grabbing a pizza on the way back? It can be our victory party! C'mon, who's with me?"

"I'm totally down, Hambone!" Soos eagerly rubbed his belly. "For some reason I got like, a mondo crazy mozzarella craving going on right now…"


End file.
